Musings

Artists are so vulnerable that, despite their tough exterior, they are influenced by trivia they would consciously reject--Edward Ruscha

      Over the holidays I became more aware than ever of my own negative self-talk. Even after wonderful evenings of fun with family or friends I berated myself about what I should have done or grilled myself on whether I acknowledged this or that person enough.

As a result of this type of critical input, no matter what I'm doing, I almost always feel as if I should be doing something else, which plays a big role in my tendency to procrastinate as a writer.

     I'm was born in the sixties. I've done therapy and read self-help books. I know about meditation and breathing.  I've read as much advice as the next guy about the potential efficacy of positive affirmations. I considered really giving them a shot recently, but immediately thought of Stuart Smalley. Remember him? Al Franken's character on SNL? He was hilarious and tapped into the ridiculousness of standing before a mirror and repeating things like:
    I like me!
    I am good enough!
    I am in control of my own life!

      Such good material. If it hadn't been done so well by Al, I'd make it the topic of my next solo piece.
     When I'm in front of a mirror getting ready in the morning, my brain is buzzing with details of the day ahead. I can't imagine stopping, and looking myself in the eye to say:
I am capable!
I am scintillating!
I am running late!
    Nevertheless, I thought that planting something positive to counter the negative--even if it seemed  overused and well, unsophisticated--would be a step in the right direction. 
    I did a Google search of positive affirmation audio downloads thinking I could listen to them in my car. My car being one of the main places where I have arguments with myself about myself.

    The samples were discouraging. Some were recorded by people with names like Divine, or Sage with creepy, haunted-house voices. Many were religious. Others promised things like filthy richness or the ability to seduce anyone, anytime.
   Finally I found a series recorded by a husband and wife team. They have Minnesotan accents, which makes them sound very homey and down-to-earth. Like people who would help you jump-start your car and follow you to be sure you make it out of the parking lot.  They consider themselves-- and want you to consider them-- part of your support team. Their affirmations are recorded with music--some of it very elevatorish and some of it lounge-lizzardy.  They are easy to make fun of. The wife, for example, really likes the idea of ejecting negative thoughts as you would a tape or CD. She even suggests you physically push an imaginary button on  your dashboard or your desk to make it more real. I laughed aloud at that one. Imagined excusing myself during a presentation or meeting to poke at a nearby wall.
   And yet...after listening to a few I found myself smiling. I downloaded the entire track.
   Today I listened on my way to work. Following the couple's instructions and using my hokiest stage voice, I repeated some of the affirmations aloud.
   They were silly and cliched and unsophisticated, but somehow they penetrated through the part of me that thinks I'm too cool for school to the part of me that feels vulnerable and anxious and needs to be supported.
    Because look; Even though I should be doing something else, I am in charge of my life.
I am writing!
:0)